Just Go With It

“You seem more at peace with your kids’ ages compared to about a year ago” my mom tells me as we have a… kids in bed, couch, wine debrief one night🥰

I can't stop thinking about it because I guess I am…’more at peace’… but I still don't feel I’m “thriving” in the mom happiness department. I'm still more quiet than my normal self. Experiencing a mental tug of war to have my oldest slow down and my youngest speed up. Constantly yearning for us to be all together and just stay frozen in that spot of fake familial perfection.

 I still long for those earlier days. No, not of vomit and diapers and all the confusion of babies but of togetherness-boredom- just us- ness. I still mourn that aspect and want to do it again.

I want to do it better, slower.

Over the last year I've realized my heart is a bit saddened by the change of season but I finally realize it's *not* because I'm missing another little person. It's just a change of life with the little people I'm already blessed with and…

I'm adjusting.

This clarity has brought about a sense of freedom, probably what my mom has noticed. I no longer feel in limbo. Watching a new mom with her baby brings me genuine happiness again…I no longer want to ugly cry in front of her in the Target check out line. Yes, I'm embarrassed to admit it but that's how I was for a while. Those emotions, while unspoken by many, are real for moms who are uncertain when their family is complete and deserves an entire article on its own. I now realize I no longer want to be a newborn’s mommy anymore. I've done that- 3 times. I am just envious of that slower, secluded timeframe of life.  

A life without sports and activities and birthday parties and managing social lives and keeping tabs on mental health and bus drama and work ethic and honestly…praying they don't all turn out to be a**holes. I'm envious of having them all together, at the same spot of life, when their biggest worry is something within our home- that I know I can fix. 

I can't fix everything for them anymore. 

 I'm learning the nauseatingly sick truth that kids get older and so do I.  I can't stay a mom at the baby phase forever. I've grown and changed and matured and who I was 10 years ago is not who I am today either. It's not just them changing….we are changing together. 

Sooooo - go with it

Let one go to the sleepover and you snuggle the other kids. They're not lost. They just need to have a life without you. 

Invite their friends over for a playdate and go all in. Ask about stupid fortnite and take videos of them trying to make a dessert. Allow their friends to be part of your mom-memory.

Make the fort. Do the dance. Sing the song with the obnoxious “skibidity” words in it.

Laugh.

Play trains like you've never played before. Name all the stuffies even if the only stuffy name you can think of is “stuffy”. They don't care.

Loving them ALL may no longer be with them all together, all the time anymore. While this crushes you, may it bring you peace to know you can love them each where THEY are, not where you desire them to be. 

Fight for family time. Destroy that calendar with as many fam functions as your pen can handle and force everyone to love it but then…go to all the individual games or activities you can manage. Cheer your loudest. Wear the spirit wear because it's not nerdy or a waste of money. 

One day you'll have to hang that up too. Live in it now.

This life is not meant to be mastered. It's a continuation of firsts. It's a series of blindfolded jumps. Finger crossings. Be the mom that accepts this and doesn't wallow in the worry of them. 

Un-suction those feet from the past and accept and love your/ THEIR present. 

Mom, I may still be a smidge bit sad but I understand where it's coming from now. I'm no longer confused and finally willing (to try) to go with it. Maybe that's the calmness or peace you see🧘‍♀️

To all those amidst a change of season may you realize it may not require any actionable changes but rather just a relinquishing of resistance. 

Just f*cking go with it, mommas and be free to enjoy your now.  

Every moment you resist is a moment you will miss.

Embrace. 

Xohboys

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